Teenage angst

I got a call from my daughter last night asking if her brother was at my house. (the kids are with their Dad this week) Since I wasn't home at the time I told her that I didn't think so, but that we could find out. She went on to tell me that Ty and some of his friends were playing 'king of the mountain' on a snowpile near their father's home. Well, from the way I understood the story, their father's girlfriend's kids wanted to play along. They are quite a bit younger than Ty and his friends, so it sounded like things got rougher than they are used to and the younger ones went home crying. Typical kidstuff if you ask me. KJ says her Dad was mad and that they couldn't find Ty and oh, they got a puppy (i'll get back to that part).

While I was talking to KJ, Brian called Ty's cell and he said that it went right to voicemail as if it was off. Well, I happen to have one of his best bud's cell numbers on my phone so I give him a call and he puts Ty on. Ty confirmed his sister's story and says he doesn't want to go back to live with those (expletives) because his Dad is stupid and lets those kids do whatever they want and he never lets him do anything, etc, etc. He says he is staying with his friend tonight and that's it. I told him to go ahead and do that and cool off and he can set things right in the morning.

In the meantime, I'm thinking, ok, I should be getting a call from his dad soon. So, maybe 10-15 minutes later, my cell rings again and yes, it is their father. He is bawling and asking what is going on with our kids. I'm also thinking there may be alcohol involved because from past experience he doesn't bawl like that unless there is. I say that up until this point that I didn't know there was a problem. Ty hadn't really given me any indication that there was a problem other than that he did say once not long ago that he felt that his dad didn't want him to even have a social life. But, he said it so nonchalantly that I didn't really take it too seriously. I guess maybe I should have. Well, apparently after I got off with Ty, his dad caught up with him and tried to forcefully drag him out of his friend's house, tearing his coat. Ty threatened to call the cops on him and must have said some really hurtful things to him. His dad took away his cell phone, car and X-box, his most prized possesions at this point.

So, at this point he is crying, literally, to me that he bends over backwards for him and buys him everything he wants and that he lets Ty do stuff all the time and that he hardly ever helps him cut wood or help him around the house at all. I explain to him that I struggle sometimes with getting Ty to do stuff for me too. But, I also explained to him that he is 16 and he cannot expect him to hang out with Mom and Dad all the time. I had to remind him that I doubted that is what he wanted to do when he was that age. I restrained myself from reminding him that Ty is far better than he was at that age, and I also did NOT remind him of what he was doing at Ty's age and much earlier. Ty is a good kid and I trust and respect him. But, the two of them have no respect for each other. At least, that is the conclusion I have come up with after having a restless night of sleep.

I did call Ty again after talking to his dad to clear up stuff and to be sure that he wasn't just "playing" me. Obviously, I am getting 2 different views of the whole story. He used some very disrespectful terms for his father, which in after thought I should have corrected him on, but I felt he needed to vent and cool off. He said he was on his way to go bowling with his friends. But, he explained again that he was angry at his dad for always sticking up for the other kids and keeping him locked up all the time. I think that there is alot of pent up frustration from years of growing up with his father that I didn't see coming. I explained to him that he needed to cool off and then go talk to his father. He said he didn't really feel like talking to him. He also said he wasn't like his dad and that he wasn't going to go off and do something stupid. I believe him.

My thoughts are that their dad is trying too hard now to be a good dad and keeps trying to buy their affection instead of just hanging out with them and listening to them. I can tell when they come back to my house, how much they miss just being heard. Ty spends much of the first night at my house just talking to me and telling me what is going on his life and just everything. That is something his dad has never been good at. I used to crave it from him and I guess now my kids are too.

What do I do? I really don't want to be in the middle of their disagreement, but as a mother I want to help my son anyway I can. I think inside he is hurting and struggling with growing up and wanting to feel his own independence, but I want him to keep making good choices in his life. Do I interfere in this or do I let them hash it out themselves? I think I know the answer and I pray that it all works out for the best in the long run.

Oh, and back to that puppy thing. I can't believe he turned around and got them a puppy. Still trying to buy the affection I guess. Just last year he didn't want to keep our dog, Eddie, because of his new addition and that he was afraid the dog would poop and pee all over, etc. (He threated to give him away or kill him.) What does he think a new puppy will do?? Besides that, Eddie was always kenneled while everyone was away. He hardly ever has to stay kenneled at my house because Brian works 3rd shift. He can snuggle with him all during the day. And, he doesn't have accidents at our house at all. He is very well trained. Hmmph! Well, I guess the dog is better off too. He is in a home where he is loved.